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BLAH BLAH BLAH: How To Deal With A Conversation Hog

In etiquette, lifestyle on June 9, 2020 at 11:03 pm

Image Courtesy of Fauxels via Pexels

We’ve all  been there:  you’re on the phone with someone who drones on incessantly  with conversation, barely letting you get a word in edgewise.   Perhaps you’ve experienced this face to face – at work, over dinner at your favorite restaurant or in another social setting.

Wherever and whatever the case, the person doing all of the talking just won’t shut the f$%k up.  Like EVER.  Most of your attempts at contributing to the conversation are thwarted.  And every time you see this person coming down the hall or you see their name and number on the caller ID you roll your eyes because you know what’s about to happen.  As soon as you say  hello, they launch into a 100 mph conversation without ever checking to see if it’s really you on the phone, how your goldfish is doing, or if you are actually ok.  You feel trapped, plotting your escape just to be free from the never ending vortex of verbal diarrhea this person inflicts upon you.

You see, what we have here is a classic case of  the conversation hog.  A monopolizer of conversation.  Perhaps a conversation narcissist.

In many instances, the conversation hog may not even realize they are monopolizing the conversation.  They are usually oblivious for whatever  reason.  In an unintentional way, they are super focused on what they have to say, needing to sort out the contents of their mind and you, my friend, are their sounding board.  And it isn’t that what they have to say isn’t important but you would like the common courtesy extended to you to share in what is supposed to be a dialogue – not a monologue.  This conversational monopolization can also be a one off because the person is excited or concerned about something and really needs to talk which is definitely understandable.  In other cases, the conversation hog may actually be that self centered and not care about the people they are in conversation with.  If that is the case, you may want to consider limiting your conversation time with that person or cut that person off – especially if this occurs often.  Other characteristics of the conversation hog are:

  • People who take every single topic and turn it back to themselves.  For instance, you may share that you want to get a cat.  Instead of this person engaging you and asking questions about what kind of cat you want and if you have chosen a name,  they take over the topic and talk about how they also want a cat, how they are a cat whisperer and that they had cats growing up.  You never get to fully share your desire because the conversation hog rambles on and on about what they want in a cat.
  • People who rarely stop to listen.  You may have been granted an opportunity to actually speak (usually just an opportunity for the conversation hog to catch their breath) and you share some information like how your goldfish died only to not have this event in your life acknowledged or further engaged because  the conversation hog starts talking about all of their usually unrelated stuff.  To add insult to injury, they don’t even value you enough to remember that your goldfish died two weeks ago when you initially told them.
  • People who talk over you.  Yes – you start talking about something that is important to you and the conversation hog literally starts talking over you as if you weren’t mid-sentence.

So what, then, do you do when you cant seem to get a word in edgewise?

There are many things you can do, ranging from subtle to more direct which may give  a jolt of awareness to the conversation hog.  You never want to be mean or hurt someone’s feelings intentionally (or maybe you do) but there are instances where you will need to be a bit stern in your approach to get this particular person’s attention.  Below are several tips that you can use to help redirect the monologue to a more meaningful dialogue:

  • If it’s something they’ve told you for the millionth time you can actually say something like “Hey you’ve told me that several times before.”  Then use that opportunity to ask a question that will cause this person to think.  If it’s something they complain about often,  be bold but unconfrontational in asking them what  they are doing to change their situation or perspective.
  • Actively change the conversation.  Literally just change the subject and talk about what you want to talk about.
  • Turn up the volume on your verbal and non verbal expressions so as to get the attention of the rambler.  This might mean raising your voice to interrupt them. Maybe even perform a raucous clearing of the throat.  You might yawn (mouth covered of course), sigh loudly, raise your hand like you are in school or do the timeout sign to get the person’s attention.
  • Interrupt, perhaps with an “Excuse me, may I interject please?”
  • For your sanity, have a time limit, especially if you are on the phone.  If this conversation is in person, get up and leave the conversation, or maybe even introduce them to someone else.
  • If it’s someone you have a good relationship with, tell them how you feel.

How do you deal with those who hog the conversation? Leave your comment below.

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Just Say Thank You:  How To Receive A Compliment With Confidence

In etiquette, lifestyle on December 11, 2019 at 2:54 pm

The other day I was with a friend who complimented someone on her beautiful silver gray hair and, in agreement, I co-signed on the sentiment.  Without hesitation, this person turned the compliment into a self bashing session then proceeded to tell us in so many words that we didn’t know what we were talking about because of our perceived youth and that clearly we were clueless.  Standing there listening to this back and forth, I felt insulted and uncomfortable and walked away, leaving the ladies to continue their fruitless exchange.  

To be on the receiving end of a compliment can be an uncomfortable experience.  And although you may desire the affirmation of others, it can be very easy to downplay, deflect or reject the nice things people say to you.  This behavior can be attributed to various reasons.  For instance, you may have been raised to not bask in the glow of a compliment because doing so can be seen as conceited.  Other reasons can be directly related to one’s level of self esteem. Those with lower self-esteem may struggle with feelings of unworthiness and don’t believe there is good in them for others to see.  For some, they think it makes them look humble if they deflect a compliment.  Fear can also be a factor.  For example, if someone compliments you, perhaps in a work setting, you might feel like you’ve been exposed and are now expected to perform on a level higher than you feel you are able to perform.  In addition, (some) women in particular are conditioned to be apologists, to cower and self depreciate so when we do receive praise, we can sometimes be quick to point out self-perceived flaws. 

Whatever the case, when you downplay, deflect or reject a compliment, you may think doing so is noble, that it makes you look good in others eyes, or that your reaction is no big deal.  This isn’t necessarily the case and in fact can have a negative effect (on the giver).  Rejecting a compliment can do several things:

  • It can be insulting and show that you don’t respect the opinion of the giver.  For example, if Nicole says, “Janet, your photo selection for the team’s latest project is excellent” and Janet responds with “Actually the photos aren’t that great” what Janet is saying is that Nicole is not a good judge of quality or that she lacks the ability to decide what she likes for herself.
  • It can make the giver feel uncomfortable. For instance, if Nicole says to Janet “I love that dress on you” and Janet responds with “I think it makes me look like a beached whale with stumpy limbs and the color accentuates my breakouts” Nicole might feel like Janet’s negative comments about her looks is weird and makes her want to run away.  Besides, why wear something you feel makes you look bad anyway?
  • It can lessen your chances of ever being complimented again by the giver.
  • It can make you appear weak or ungrateful. Compliments show that the giver sees something in you and values you. Downplaying, deflecting or rejecting compliments and praise can lessen your value in the giver’s eyes.
  • It can make you appear fake humble when you might actually be quite self absorbed. 

Instead, here are four things you can learn to do to accept compliments with grace and ease:

  • Just say “Thank You”.  It’s simple and acknowledges the good taste of the person offering the praise.  It may feel uncomfortable but say thank you and leave it at that.
  • Don’t feel obligated to return a compliment especially if it’s not sincere.  You don’t owe a compliment to anyone and please refrain from engaging in a compliment war to ease your personal discomfort.
  • Dont delflect or dilute the compliment with self insults.  Remember it can create a tense and weird interaction.  It’s also unfair to the giver because they don’t need you to unload your insecurities on them.
  • Give credit where credit is due in collaborative situations but still accept and appreciate the positive feedback for your input and participation.

Might there be an ulterior motive when some people compliment you?  Absolutely.  In situations like that, you can still accept the compliment and remain aware, trusting your gut.  There are also times when someone compliments you and you really aren’t sure about what was said.  Try to just “say thank” you and move on.

Are you someone who is comfortable with receiving praise or do you struggle with receiving compliments and praise with grace and ease?  Share your comments below.

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How To Receive A Gift You Don’t Like

In etiquette, gift giving, holiday, how to on January 31, 2019 at 12:04 pm

The holidays are over but throughout the year you might find yourself on the receiving end of gifts you aren’t too fond of.

We have all been there:  It’s gift exchange time or some other occasion during the year and you receive a gift prompting an immediate roller coaster of negative emotion, causing you to think:

  • “What the hell?”
  • “What were you thinking?”
  • “Are you serious?”
  • “Going in the trash.”
  • “This relationship is over.”

When you receive a gift that is less than desirable, it can make you wonder if the giver put any consideration into what they were giving you.  It is possible the gift giver is clueless, doesn’t have good taste or they just don’t care.  However, the fact of the matter is that many people struggle with giving meaningful gifts and most likely put a lot of thought and effort into selecting the gifts they give.

Whatever the case, it’s important not to offend the gift giver.  It’s never ok to be rude and instead it’s important to be gracious and show appreciation for what you receive, even if it isn’t what you would have chosen for yourself. If you struggle with how to react when receiving a gift you don’t particularly care for, keep the following in mind when it comes to navigating the murky waters of undesirable gift receiving:

Take a deep breath, smile and say thank you. As mentioned before, you don’t want to offend the gift giver so it is important to quickly manage your facial expression and thoughts to mask any negative emotion you might feel.  If you are used to Aunt Janet giving you cat socks for every milestone in your life even though you like birds and you never wear socks, then you know how to do this but if you are doing a gift exchange with someone new, you might need to practice the rapid fire smile and thank you.  You might even throw in a hug to give yourself time to recover before you face the person again.

Don’t gossip about the gift.  Keep discussion about the gift to a minimum, especially if you are around the person (perhaps at a gathering). Word travels fast and you don’t want to cause trouble –  even though you are troubled by what you received.

React to the thought of the gift.  Keep in mind that most people have the best of intentions when giving you a gift.  It’s also important to not let negative emotion overrule all manners and sense of decorum, especially when it’s someone who cares for you.  Instead, respond to the spirit of the gift.

Deflect attention away from the gift.  If the giver continues to press you for your thoughts about the gift, you can always say something like

  • “Thank you.  I appreciate it.”
  • “I’m not sure how I’m going to use this but I’m definitely going to put this to good use.”
  • “Do you have one? How do you use it?”

Re-gift with caution.  If you store the gift away for later, put the date and the name of the person who gave it to so you don’t give it back to them at a later date.  Hopefully that same gift won’t come back to them in the future from someone else you re-gifted to.

How should you react if you receive a gift that that is offensive such as something with racial undertones, is sexist or doesn’t support a personal journey (you are working towards sobriety and the person gifts you alcohol)?  You are within your right to politely tell them how you feel about the gift they have given you.

Now…

What if you are someone who is challenged and misses the mark when it comes to gift exchange?  If that’s you, keep these 6 points in mind to help you be a better gift giver.

Pay attention.  Take note of what the recipient buys for themselves, their personal style, what they talk about, even how they decorate.  This type of information can give you some insight into what they might like to receive as a gift.

Give gifts around their hobby or interest. For instance if the person you are shopping for is an avid gamer, instead of or in addition to getting them the newest game, consider getting them a gaming chair.

Ask.  Simply put, it never hurts to ask what a person wants for themselves.

Take yourself out of the equation. Remember that the gift isn’t for you so if your Uncle James loves collecting ashtrays from the 1920’s then go ahead, make the man’s day and get him those rusty ashtrays.

Don’t give anything that is used.  It’s poor taste and makes you look very bad, especially if the item looks, smells or feels used.

Give money or a gift card.  There are many schools of thought regarding giving money or gift cards as gifts.  The prevailing thought is that it is not very thoughful or personal.  I believe it depends on the relationship between the giver and the receiver and chances are you’ve never met anyone who didn’t like to receive cold hard cash as a gift.   Giving money/gift cards can often empower someone to purchase things for themselves that they normally wouldn’t purchase for themselves. Which can be a gift in and of itself.

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Keep These Items On Hand For Entertaining Your Guests.

In etiquette, how to, lifestyle on February 26, 2018 at 12:00 pm

Be the host with the most by keeping these entertaining ideas in mind.

Gong out with your best friends is always a fun thing to do – gathering at your favorite restaurant and catching up over a delicious meal is always something to look forward to without worrying yourself about the details of your evening.  But what about those times you want to get together in your home?  What details do you consider to ensure your guests have a good time when they are in your home?  Whether you are hosting an impromptu gathering of friends unexpectedly “just stopping by” or having a more formal get together, there are some pantry staples to keep on hand (or at least top of mind) to make entertaining a breeze.  Ahead are ideas for items you can pick up at your local market to make your get together fun, festive and delicious!

Wine, Champagne, Sparkling Water/Juice. In addition to always having water nearby, these particular beverages speak sophistication and can enhance the flavor of the food/snacks you serve your guests.  It’s also a good idea to have a variety of teas on hand as well.

Popcorn.  Great for impromptu gatherings and easy to prepare, popcorn is the perfect snack without a ton of calories.  Sprinkle on a mixture of various seasonings to take your popcorn to the next level.  Give the following recipes a try:  a little olive oil, paprika, oregano, parsley, seasoned salt, chili powder and parmesan cheese.  Tortillas and salsa are also great options.

Crudite Platter.  Generally speaking, crudite platters usually consist of various vegetables.  Be creative and include various cheeses, meats,crackers/bread, fruit as well as hummus (or dip) and fruit spread.

Frozen Ravioli/Various Sauces.  Keeping these items on hand can make food prep a breeze.  Serve with salad and baguette.

Assorted Nuts and Chocolates.  Accessible at your local grocery store.  More variety and fun with a monthly subscription box or on nuts.com .

Ice Cream/Gellato.  Perfect to end the night.  Serve with coffee, berries, nuts, etc.

Candles/Flowers.  Perfect for the entryway and area where you are entertaining to create ambiance.

Serving Trays.  Serving trays make you and everything you serve look classy and elegant, even if you are serving pigs in a blanket while in sweatpants.

Music Playlist.  Create more ambiance with a continuous stream of great music which is easy to achieve with Pandora, Spotify and Apple Music.

What items do you keep on hand to entertain guests?  Do you always have a pantry stocked with a few essentials, rush out in in a hurry to grab a few things to eat or do you leave your guests to fend for themselves?  Please share below.

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Tips For Hosting Overight Guests

In etiquette, how to, lifestyle on February 25, 2018 at 1:30 pm

Usually there is nothing more exciting than having your favorite people visit you from out of town.  When you have guests coming to stay with you for the weekend, you want to make their visit as pleasurable as possible.  And while you don’t have to do a complete home makeover, you want to make sure you extend the same hospitality and grace that you would like to have extended to you.  With the following tips and some planning, you can ensure that you an your guests have a wonderful extended time together.

First things first – figure out where your guest is going to sleep.  If you have a spare room, this won’t be too much of an issue.  If you live in an apartment, chances are your guest will sleep on the couch or on an air mattress.  Wherever your guest is going to sleep, make sure the area is comfortable, that the area has curtains/blinds and that you have provided pillows, clean linen, a blanket, waste basket and a cleared shelf or table for their use.  You can also provide bedside emergency such as a box of tissue, pain killers and antacids just in case.

Double check dates and times of arrivals, departures as well as length of visit.  If you are picking your guest up from the airport (train/bus station), make sure you have the correct location.  Nothing is worse than being on time at the wrong place.  I know.  I’ve done that.

If you have a driveway and your guest is driving to your home, save your best parking spot for them.  If you live in the city where parking is often difficult to find, let your guests know where and when to park.

Explain the quirks of your place and show your guest where everything is.  You have lived in your place for some time so you know how everything works.  You know about that toilet handle you have to jiggle and the door you have to lift and pull in order to close.  Make sure you pass this information on to your guests to save them the agony and possible embarrassment of fumbling around your home.

Stock up on toiletries and create a landing space for your guests things in the bathroom.  Usually guests bring their own personal items but it is always nice to provide a nice basket filled with body wash, unscented body lotion, toothbrush as well as a towel, washcloth, loofah, etc.  Also, make sure there is enough toilet tissue, and keep a toilet brush and a plunger nearby.

Keep a loose schedule so your guests have time to breathe, especially when they first arrive.  If your guest is in town to visit you specifically, you can always plan for activities ahead of time by asking what your guest wants to do.  If your guest is in town for business,  discuss your schedules in advance and make sure they have access into and out of your place.

Make sure your guest has your wifi access, any access codes to get into and out of your building.  Also make sure they know how to work the heater/air conditioner, remote controls and provide an extra power strip so they can plug up their computer, phone, etc.

Plan meals ahead of time and make sure you have something for your guest to snack on when they arrive.  If you can, go out to dinner one of the days your guest is in town.  Also, you can do some crock pot meals so that you don’t have to spend all of your time cooking. In addition, stock your fridge and pantry with goodies such as fruit, cheese, veggies, cold cuts, condiments, bread, pasta salad, crackers and chips that will be easy for you and your guest to fix meals and snacks.  And don’t forget the wine (or sparkling soda), juice and water.

What are some of the things you do when hosting an overnight guest in your home?